I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
