i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
