i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
