is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
