My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
