my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
