Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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