Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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