My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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