I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
