I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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