I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
