people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
