He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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