I'll bet she douches with gravy.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
