I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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