Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
