At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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