I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
