i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
