enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The adults are the big ones right?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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