remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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