Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
