My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It was confusing and full of hummus
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
