from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
