Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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