We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
