I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
