do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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