you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
