Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
