Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
