I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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