im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
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