I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
