I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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