I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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