Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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