gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize