if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You ruined the universe
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