can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
