I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
