like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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