the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
nutella sex= disaster
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
