I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Two words: nipple clamps
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