so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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