My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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