he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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