Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
