1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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