4 words: hood of his car
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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