I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
