I'm drive I can fine osifer
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
