we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
