tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
