Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
