remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i think i just lost a toe
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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