listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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