Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
