if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
